No more.

So it’s come down to this.

The painful phase in which we’ve done all that we’ve could and it’s time to let you dig yourself deeper into more troubles in the hope that maybe, just maybe one day you’ll realize that you’re actually doing almost irreparable harm to yourself and your future and that you’ll try to work backwards and do some damage control.

We always wanted what was best for you and as such, sometime the advice we gave you always isn’t the easiest to hear, but that’s what close friends do right?

We tell you what’s good for your own sake, not just what you want to hear.

But you’ve finally done what I feared most. You accept our advice, say it’s valid and secretly go deep in the other direction. When we admonish you, you just say your two most famous words: “Oh well…”

You’ve had so many chances. So so so many many fucking chances that I’m filled with so much sadness and anger that I’m writing this post to let it all out.

To see you blow this chance into smithereens so badly and so proudly is just so… Fucked up man.

Don’t let other people who depend purely on their parents without a care on how much they’re burdening them be an example to you. That’s a stupid example.

All the things you buy in the world will not buy you the happiness you crave. Instead your just damaging your future security. Honestly, if I ever try to meet up with you for a meal and you say you can’t afford it, I’ll be might tempted to crack your one ply of bamboo over your head, because you could definitely afford that couldn’t you?

And as for other important matters, we’ve said that all could be said. You make you’re own choices though. Or maybe you’re letting other people make those choices for you, we don’t really know.

I’ll never forget you having to share a plate of pasta, it saddened and shamed me, that I wasn’t around to help you out and maybe prevent all this.

We still care and love you as only close friends could ever do.

And sometimes I wonder if you’ll even read this and wake up.

But I doubt. I really do, because sometimes I fear that you just think you’re right all the time.

 

Your naïveté will bring you to ruin.

I have played games like these before.

I understand the currents which underly conversation, the hidden subtext behind every word and the dangerous emotional weapons that are subtly unleashed.

You do not.

You refuse counsel. You refuse to adapt. You believe logically when it is your logic that is bent and twisted.

I have seen the ashes of many a friendship come about as the result of such foolish behaviour.

Fortunately for you I have learned long ago how to quell my emotions.

To distance and surround myself with those who would never betray me.

Be careful. What your heart tells you may be far from real.

As for me, I’m nearing the point where I can hardly care less.

Unfeeling.

“The whole bunch of you are a emotionless, empty lot.”

“What makes you say that?”

“I’ve never once, seen any of you cry. You never weep. Even in the face of tremendous loss or heartache you remain stoic.”

I looked her in the eye and shook my head sadly.

“No, you’ve got it wrong. We weep inside. When we appear the least concerned by the sadness and tragedy of life, we are bearing all that pain within our hearts.”

This Is The Life.

I was driving back late today and I just entered the suburb when an old song comes up over the iPod on shuffle.

I brake. Hard.

My bottle of water slams against the windscreen and my bag slides straight off the passenger seat on my left, but I don’t care.

In that split second my mind flashes back to a moment in my past, one of my darkest and I relive it in an instant.

But as usual the resolve within me surfaces and reminds me of everything I believe in, one of which is that I am forgiven.

Other thoughts, linked in tandem with that particular memory surface once again and I continue driving.

——————————————————————————-

I grab my phone and see a message. Luke says he’ll be here shortly in 10 minutes. Cursing his punctuality, I run straight into the bathroom and spend the next 5 minutes washing up.  Rushing down the stairs, I gobble down a quick breakfast and just when I’m about to walk to the door, the doorbell rings.

I hurry over and usher Luke inside. He takes out his PowerBook and I grab mine and within a few short moments, we’re playing Halo online against people from different countries. It’s a good change from having his mind on that stupid girl.

About an hour later, we both get bored of the game and head to my room to chill. With J.L Hewitt playing in the background, we lounge around and trash talk like we used to in the old days of high school. Topics range from how we used to make fun of our form teacher’s ‘Engrish’ to our days spent mugging in the classroom listening to  ‘The Darkness’ on the loudest volume possible. I wonder how our other friends are doing, those whom I’ve not talked to since the last day of school, and I decide to give them a buzz. A little while later we’re screaming into the phone like idiots because the crazy people on the other end of the phone scream back at us. Two hours and hoarse voices later, we squeak our goodbyes and Luke heads home for dinner.

It’s funny how life just zooms you by, leaving you wondering what happened in the first place. I wish I could go back. Go back all the way to the good old days, when all you had to worry about was whether your skateboard was fast enough and whether you could catch the eye of that one particular girl. I keep telling myself that what’s past is past and you can never turn back the clock.

But it’s just so hard to block out the past, when the present is so gray and dull.

6 years later.

It’s 1.15 AM.

We’re standing on the roof of the Esplanade, all bored and staring out into the distance at the resort on the far side of the bay.

The weather is nice and cool tonight, with none of the heavy humidity that tends to stick to ones skin, which always makes me feel like having a shower.

“Remember, how we used to write those novels about our experiences?”

“Yeah, the one where we replaced our names right?”

“Lets do that again. But this time,without changing the names.”

If the green left the grass on the other side…

“Haven’t you heard that song? The one about nice guys and all?”

“Yeah… But I’m not like that. I can’t be like that!”

Honestly I always respect decisions once they’ve been made.

It’s not what you say it is.

But no amount of reasoning and logic can change the fact that I kinda miss you.

God bless you all.

Another Dream.

I can feel that knife in my chest again, the sharp stab as it finds its way to my heart.

The image of a long forgotten foe rising out of the mist to oppose me.

The deep pain of searing loss, as brothers betray everything they believe in.

I’m surrounded by it all, my arms and legs move in unison, dancing the only dance I know, barely holding back the darkness.

My soul is on fire. I can feel the edges of it chipping away, all temptations and desires begging to be fulfilled.

But in the midst of it all: Fides, Spes, Caritas.

And Go.

I’m sorry too.

Learn the lessons of the past.

But don’t let it color your future.